


Surface Illusion

by Sue Corkill (mscorkill)



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-11
Updated: 2012-04-11
Packaged: 2017-11-03 11:39:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/380978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mscorkill/pseuds/Sue%20Corkill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What might have happened between Daniel and Kegan while SG-1 was marooned on P3R-118 and it’s affect on Daniel and Janet after SG-1 returns home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Surface Illusion

**Author's Note:**

> Kegan’s obvious affection for Daniel during this episode has always intrigued me. And then an idea for a story slowly developed, one where Daniel has to deal with his feelings for Kegan after his memory returns and he remembers he’s already involved with somebody—our dear Dr. Fraiser. This story originally appeared in The Seventh Chevron, #3, May 2001.

Surface Illusion

He couldn’t breathe, he was trapped, buried alive…. Gasping, he clawed at the ornate gold barrier between him and the life-giving air. He tried to scream, but couldn’t, his throat closing as he struggled against the darkness enveloping him. "Carlin, Carlin!"

Gentle hands stroked his face, bringing him back to himself. "Carlin, wake up. It’s just a dream."

He surfaced from the nightmare slowly, the gentle touches and familiar female voice calming him. "Kegan?" he managed to croak out.

"Yes."

He could hear the relief in her voice. Opening his eyes, he squinted slightly in the subdued light the ever-present fires provided. When he could focus, the first thing he saw were her concerned, dark eyes. Reaching up, he gently caressed her cheek.

She turned her face into the caress and bringing her hand up she held his hand to her cheek. "You were dreaming again, weren’t you?" she murmured.

He covered his eyes with his other arm, sighing heavily.

"Carlin," she whispered urgently. "They’ve been happening more often, ever since you started talking with them."

He knew Kegan disapproved of him mingling with anyone who could be labeled as a troublemaker. Troublemakers were quickly dealt with, the smooth operation of the plant taking priority over everything. Removing his arm he gazed at her. "I’m okay." At her mildly disbelieving look he added, "Really, I’ll be all right."

Releasing his hand, she leaned down and kissed his forehead gently. "You’ve only been asleep a few hours, try to get back to sleep." She caressed his cheek briefly before returning to the adjacent cot.

He turned onto his side, facing away from her. He knew she was only concerned for him, wanting to keep him safe. And he was grateful to her. She had been his savior when he first arrived here, confused, weak and unsure. He had been ill, that’s why he had been transferred from the mines. Kegan had befriended him, helped him through the difficult transition period. They had become more than friends, but not lovers…yet. He knew she was merely waiting for him to indicate his willingness. And a few days ago he had thought he was ready, but then he had had the first dream. He couldn’t remember much about it, but it had left him filled with a strange reluctance to take Kegan as his lover. The dreams, instead of abating, continued and had escalated after that whole scene with Jona several work cycles ago. He couldn’t figure out why Kegan disliked Thera so; she was no threat to them as she was obviously under Jona’s protection. No, more disturbing than Kegan’s unfounded jealously were Tor’s words and his own recurring dreams.

Was Tor right? Was he part of a team? Had he known Jona before being assigned to this area? His dreams offered no answers; in fact, they only produced more questions. Sighing, he pulled the thin blanket up over his shoulders and closed his eyes, hoping for a bit of dreamless sleep before his shift started.

He was in a large room with the circle. It spun and glowed, shooting forth the rush of water that he had come to recognize before it settled down to the glassy pool. The glimmering surface beckoned him. Jona walked past him, told him to go ahead, but how could he? Why should he? Then Kegan, warning him, trying to protect him. As his dream ended he awoke. Rolling onto his back he tried to ignore the images, unwilling to try to make any sense of them. Slowly, he surrendered once more to sleep.

He heard a noise; he turned and suddenly he was in another room, lying in a bed. Not his bed, he realized as he looked about. A woman stepped into the room; she was asking him something but he couldn’t understand her words. She was dressed strangely, in blue and white, her hair pinned up. He reached out to her…. He jerked awake suddenly as the buzzer for the first shift sounded. Sitting up, he ran his fingers through his hair, smoothing it down, he hoped. He tried to smile at Kegan as she hurried by.

"Don’t be late," she reminded him as she rushed to the kitchens.

He watched her go, then slowly stood and joined the rest of his section as they all made their way to the washrooms. He operated on automatic as he used the facilities and then washed his hands and his face, his mind focused on his latest dream. He was accustomed now to seeing the circle of light and water, and he could understand why Jona and Kegan were in his dreams, but the other woman—she was new. Her face was familiar, but her clothing was strange. He’d never seen anyone wearing garments such as she wore. When he thought of her he became filled with such feelings of intense longing and urgency it practically overwhelmed him. He made his way to the food line and waited patiently with the others, his thoughts occupied with images of a life he couldn’t recall.

 

She lay on her cot, trying to fall asleep. Her thoughts wouldn’t let her, though—she and Carlin had had their first disagreement today. Hearing his restless movements she turned onto her side, facing him. He was probably dreaming again, she thought with dismay…. She watched him as he slept, thinking back to when he had first arrived, so ill and helpless. He was a handsome man, even with his face drawn by sickness and she had been attracted to him. At first she had thought him to be weak and vulnerable, but that had just been his fatigue and illness from the mines. Once he was recovered, his strength and confidence had become apparent, and she found herself even more attracted to him.

It had been a long time since she’d allowed herself to have feelings for any man. Workers came and went with varying degrees of rapidity, and so did relationships. But Carlin, he was different. She could tell. And now it seemed as if that very difference was coming between them. Why, oh why did he have to question everything? She herself remembered very little of her early life, but she didn’t let it bother her. And the dreams! She was worried and scared. Worried that Brenna would hear about his dreams and think he was night sick and take him away and scared that a man she could care about would fail her. She watched him as he slept a while longer, finally coming to a reluctant decision.

 

He was outdoors, but there wasn’t any snow or cold. There were children playing some type of game. The auburn-haired woman was there too… and a blonde girl. She ran over to the woman, laughing and hugging her. The girl hugged him next, smiling up at him.

He woke up then, his heart pounding. This dream had been more intense than any of the previous. His thoughts were in a jumble. This woman and child, were they his family? And if so, why weren’t they here with him? A quiet terror suddenly filled him, maybe they were dead. With renewed determination he decided he had to find out about his past, he had to remember, no matter what the cost.

 

Kegan watched him walk away, none of the fear and dread she felt in her heart showing on her face. She had just issued him an ultimatum. "If you’re friends with those two, you’re not mine." She inwardly cringed at the harsh words, but she had to make him see how serious this was. Jona and Thera were nothing but trouble, and if Brenna ever found out what was going on…. She could only hope that he would take her warnings seriously and quit this foolishness. This was their life and he would just have to accept it; there was no bigger, grander thing in this world than what they were doing. Oh Carlin, she silently pleaded, don’t let this happen to us.

 

Janet hadn’t expected to see General Hammond in the briefing room. "Sir, I have those medical reports you were waiting for. Major Griff did suffer some minor frostbite, but the rest of his team is fine."

"Thank you, Doctor."

His voice was impassive, but she had been working with him too long to be fooled by his steady demeanor. She walked over to the window and stood next to him, following his gaze to the silent Stargate. "Any word from the planet?" She had to ask, even though she suspected she already knew the answer.

"I spoke to Administrator Calder about an hour ago. He regretfully informed me that his search of the city turned up nothing."

"So that’s it?" She couldn’t keep the note of disbelief out of her voice. That couldn’t be it! Trying to remain calm, she listened to his answer.

"Short of going to war all we can really do is break off diplomatic relations. I’m not authorized to do that just yet."

Quick, ask him something else, she thought, anything to find out what he’s going to do next, to find SG-1, to find Daniel…. "I take it they have something we want?"

"They’re quite advanced in metallurgical and chemical technologies."

"Well, we must have something they want or they wouldn’t have proposed trade."

"Stargate technology, gate addresses."

"Well, I can understand that. They’re surrounded by ice." Yes, she could understand a desire to escape their present conditions, but not at the cost of SG-1’s lives.

"As far as I am concerned they need us a hell of a lot more than we need them. Apparently Administrator Calder doesn’t seem to think so. Frankly, I think he likes things just the way they are."

She could tell by his tone that he didn’t believe this Administrator Calder was telling them the whole truth about what had happened to SG-1. She tried to read his face, but he wasn’t giving anything else away. "Doesn’t leave you with many options, does it sir?" She took a deep breath.

Daniel had to be alive; they had to be able to find him and the rest of SG-1.

"No, it doesn’t. Which is why I’ve ordered Major Griff to draw up a covert search and rescue plan."

Realizing she had to do something, that anything was better than waiting here for some word about him, she heard herself volunteering to go on the rescue mission. "Well, if you’re looking for volunteers, sir."

Bless Hammond, he didn’t even bat an eye as he responded to her request. "Thank you, Doctor, I’ll keep that in mind."

 

Carlin took his serving of gruel from Kegan, a tight smile on his face as she handed him his bread. She didn’t know about his meeting last night after lights out with Thera and Jona, she had been kind and affectionate to him all shift as they worked side by side. He knew what he was about to do would change their increasingly fragile relationship forever. As much as he might desire to start a new life here with Kegan, there were too many questions yet unanswered about his past—and the answers to those questions seemed to involve Thera and Jona. Walking over to where they sat, side by side, he sat down across from them and handed Thera his bread.

 

Carlin watched as Thera and Jona left, Jona clutching the white bowl tightly in his hand. Lost in his own thoughts, it took a moment for Carlin to realize that almost everyone else had also left the eating area. Standing, he went to place his bowl and spoon with the other dirty dishes. Kegan was there.

"Well, I see you’ve found some new friends."

"Yeah." He winced; brilliant response.

"Carlin,"

Ignoring the plea in her voice he gave her the only answer he could. "I’m sorry Kegan." Turning, he left quickly before the combined grief and despair in her expression could change his mind.

She watched him walk away. So that was it, just an "I’m sorry Kegan", and he was gone. Wiping the sudden tears from her eyes, she looked around quickly, relieved that no one was left to witness her weakness. She began automatically separating and stacking the bowls and spoons. They had both made their decisions; she had gambled that he would choose her and she had lost. She’d get over him, she kept telling herself, trying to ignore the ache in her heart.

 

Kegan watched from her place at the serving table with idle curiosity as Jona and Thera walked through the eating area and headed towards the stairs to Brenna’s office. Her curiosity intensified as she saw Carlin join them, and then when moments later Tor was carried on a litter up to Brenna’s office, she was filled with dread. Oh Carlin, you’ve done it now, she thought. What have you let those two talk you into doing? Knowing there was nothing she could do, Kegan turned her attention once more to her work, trying to put thoughts of Carlin out of her mind.

Someone was shouting to them from the ledge outside of Brenna’s office. "What are you talking about?" Kegan demanded of Jona.

His words made no sense; neither did the words of the other man, someone she didn’t recognize. And what was this about Brenna being shot? Oh Carlin! Unable to accept or understand what they were saying, she took the defensive, trying to protect her world. "It’s a lie!"

Carlin spoke suddenly, addressing her. "He’s telling the truth, Kegan."

No, that couldn’t be the truth! There was only snow and ice on the surface, no city, and no other people. No one could survive on the surface, everyone lived underground. Jona was pointing a gun towards the skylight. He was crazy! They would all be killed! "No!" she screamed as the report of the gunshot echoed throughout the cavernous room.

 

The minute he approached the DHD everything seemed to click into place and he knew exactly what to do with it and the device that had been in the gear Brenna had found for him. His hands automatically pressed the correct glyphs on the DHD; he punched in their IDC, and waited the requisite time to ensure that the iris would be open. Placing his arm around Brenna’s waist, he helped the injured woman up to the event horizon. Glancing at her, he saw pain and no small amount of fear in her eyes. "Don’t worry. It’s a piece of cake." She merely nodded and stepped with him into the wormhole.

The next thing he saw was the gateroom, and it was the sweetest sight. There was an air of controlled jubilation in the room, the guards grinning and smiling at him. He heard General Hammond’s voice over the loudspeaker. "Welcome back, Doctor Jackson." He was quickly surrounded by a medical team and he, along with Brenna, were whisked off to the infirmary.

 

"Your report, Doctor?"

"Physically, SG-1 is fine. They’ve all lost a little weight, no doubt due to the physical labor and limited diet. Teal’c’s symbiont seems to have repaired all of his damage." She paused, picking her next words carefully. "Psychologically, they seem to have regained almost full access to their native memories. They also remember all that happened to them after they were ‘stamped’."

"Have you been able to find out exactly what occurred, Doctor?"

"According to Brenna, the injured woman Doctor Jackson brought back with him, they developed a process where they use chemical and electrical stimulation to block certain areas of the victim’s brain and then a different personality is suggested to the individual." At Hammond’s questioning look she explained, "Kind of like a post-hypnotic suggestion, sir. Their true memories of themselves are blocked and so they accept whatever memory is suggested to replace it."

"Will there be permanent damage?"

"I don’t think so, sir."

"Explain."

"Brenna is of the opinion that the differences in our brain chemistry that prevented the ‘stamping’ from taking and holding also protected their native memories." She looked up from her folder. "I see no reason to hold them in the infirmary. I’ll recommend they stay on base for twenty-four hours just to make sure something unexpected doesn’t turn up."

"Thank you, Doctor. Dismissed."

"Yes, sir." She stood then and left the briefing room, making her way back to the infirmary. As she had told Hammond, she wasn’t worried about SG-1’s physical condition, but she had only alluded to her personal concerns regarding their psychological condition. There was nothing she could put her finger on; they seemed like their usual selves, if not more subdued than normal. The Colonel hadn’t been his habitual complaining self during his physical exam; Sam had also been unusually quiet. She guessed what bothered her was the lack of the customary bantering between all four of them. Of course it could be because they had just learned that they had been held prisoners on that planet for almost a month, that their memories had been manipulated with, all because they had discovered the administrator’s dirty little secret.

And then there was Daniel. Her sense of relief at seeing him had been quickly tempered by the look of pain and guilt in his eyes when he saw her. He had quickly masked it, though, with a tentative smile aimed in her general direction. Unfortunately, Brenna required her immediate attention so she hadn’t been able to talk with him yet. Doctor Warner had been called in and he carried out the initial evaluation of SG-1 while she tried to get as much information out of Brenna as possible before the injured woman succumbed to the pain medication she had been given.

Entering the infirmary, Janet frowned as she saw the four members of SG-1 huddled together in a small group, as if they had to protect each other. But from what, she wondered. Putting a smile on her face, she walked over to them.

"When can we get outta’ here, Doc?"

Leave it to O’Neill to be the first to ask that question. She guessed there were some things that would never change. "I’ve told Hammond I see no reason to hold you in the infirmary overnight."

"Great, let’s beat it out of here, kids." O’Neill stood, Sam quickly joining him.

"Hold on there, Colonel."

He stopped at her words, a frown on his face. "I sense a ‘but’ coming…."

"I want all four of you to stay on base for twenty-four hours just to make sure."

"Ah, Doc! We’re fine, we remember everything. I live at thirty-three forty-five Crescent…."

"I’ll be the judge of whether you’re fine or not, Colonel," she interrupted him. Fixing them all with her fiercest doctor look she said, "Twenty-four hours on base or confined to the infirmary, it’s your choice."

He sighed, and after exchanging looks with his other team members said, "All right Doc, you win. Twenty-four hours on base." She watched as O’Neill and Sam left the infirmary together. Teal’c nodded at her and followed after the other two. Which left Daniel, still sitting on the bed.

She walked over to him, the sight of him, safe back at the SGC, almost overpowering her. "I was so worried," she murmured. Reaching out, she gently caressed her check. He turned his face away from her soft touch and abruptly stood. Surprised, she was forced to step back. "Daniel?"

He pivoted and backed up a step, away from her. "Janet," he began, then paused, running his hand over his face. "I’m really tired." He smiled at her, but it didn’t reach his eyes. "I think I’m going to go get cleaned up and then get some sleep." As he spoke he continued backing away from her.

"All right, Daniel," she agreed. "That sounds like a good idea. I’ll see you later?"

"Sure," he called back to her as he all but raced out of the infirmary.

 

"Whoa, careful there, Daniel." Sam steadied him as he crashed into her as he charged through the door of their locker room.

"Sorry, Sam." He pulled himself away from her, collapsing onto one of the benches. Looking around the empty room he asked, "Where’s Teal’c? Jack?"

"They’ve gone to the commissary, and then I think they’re going to the gym." She sat down next to him. "Something about needing to work off some aggression."

"Ah," he nodded, understanding what his friends were trying to accomplish.

"I thought you and Janet would…." Sam stopped speaking abruptly. "Daniel, what’s wrong?"

What little control he had maintained over his emotions evaporated at Sam’s question. Putting his face down into his hands he groaned. "Oh god, Sam…. I’m so confused."

He felt her scoot closer to him on the bench, her arm coming around his shoulders. "Daniel, I know it’s all happened so fast. One minute we were Thera, Jona, Tor and Carlin, living and working in the power plant and the next minute we’re Major Carter, Colonel O’Neill, Teal’c and Doctor Jackson." He felt her take a deep breath before she continued, "Along with everything that that means."

He angled his face so he could see her, his own pain reflected in her eyes. "That’s part of it, Sam," he wearily rubbed his face. "Until I started having the dreams, I was already to accept my life there with Kegan."

"I think at one point we all were, Daniel," Sam commented softly.

By her sad expression and forlorn voice he could tell she was hurting too. Turning, he hugged her. "Ah, Sam, I’m sorry."

Holding him tight she whispered, "Daniel, I may not be able to have what I want right now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t." She pulled back out of his arms. "I don’t know what happened between you and Kegan." He would have said something but she shushed him with a finger to his lips. "Whatever you had with her was appropriate for that time and that place. But don’t let those memories color your feelings for Janet, because this is your reality."

He groaned, turning away from her and once more putting his head down into his hands.

"Daniel, what’s wrong?" Sam’s voice was sharp with renewed worry as she placed an arm around him.

"For how long, Sam?" he whispered through his hands.

"I’m not sure I know what you mean," she replied slowly.

Without looking at her, he continued. "I asked, for how long Sam? How long will ‘this’ be my reality? How long will Janet and I have together?" He laughed grimly, the sound harsh in the quiet room. "I mean, I don’t have exactly the greatest track record when it comes to long-term relationships."

He heard her sigh. "Oh, Daniel, you know I don’t have the answer for that. No one does." He felt her head come to rest on his shoulder; they sat quietly for a few moments before she spoke again. "You’re one of the bravest people I know, Daniel. Don’t lose what you have with Janet because you don’t have any guarantee for the future."

She was right, of course, he realized. In spite of everything that had happened—even knowing the pain he would suffer, he would do it all over again. And now he had been given a second opportunity for love; Janet was his present and could be his future, if he could overcome his fear. He slowly sat up, feeling Sam’s arm fall away. He looked at her, his expression relaxing into a smile. She returned his tentative smile as she recognized he had understood what she meant. The slight shadow that remained in her eyes spoke volumes, and he realized that even though he could have what he wanted, she couldn’t. He caressed her cheek, "One day, Sam. One day you’ll have what you both want." She blushed slightly at his words.

Leaning forward he gently brushed her cheek with his lips, whispering, "Maybe you better go make sure those two don’t hurt each other."

"Maybe you’re right." She stood then. "What are you going to do?"

He grinned at her. "Get cleaned up and then try to do some explaining."

 

He couldn’t believe it! She was gone! How long had it taken him to shower and change? Less than thirty minutes, and within that brief amount of time she had left the base. He had cornered Liz, the day shift head nurse, and questioned her. According to Liz, Janet had finished her shift and left. Left! How could she leave when he needed to talk to her! He needed to do more than talk he acknowledged silently as he left the infirmary and headed towards his office. He needed to explain and apologize, and that was something that couldn’t be done over the phone or to an answering machine. But since he was stuck here at the base, by her orders, until the following afternoon…he was SOL.

The even more frustrating part, besides the fact that this was all his fault, was that the next day was her scheduled day to be at the Academy Hospital, so she wasn’t even expected on base! Reaching his lab, he turned on the small light at his desk and sat down, pulling out a fresh notebook and new pen. He might as well do something productive, he thought, while he waited until his confinement was over. Perhaps writing down his experiences and thoughts during his time on P3R-118 would help him when it came time to explain his behavior to the woman he loved.

 

He sat in his car in front of her house, the streetlights just coming on as evening descended. Not good so far, no car in the drive, no lights on in the house. Just as he was about give it up and leave, an SUV pulled into the cul-de-sac and slowly drove past him, turning into the drive. With great relief, he recognized it as Janet’s black Pathfinder. He got out of his car and bounded up the drive, reaching the SUV as Janet opened the hatch.

"Daniel!" She sounded surprised, but welcoming. "What are you doing here?" She handed him a bag of groceries.

Taking it from her, he waited as she handed him a second bag. "Ah, well, Doctor Warner released us…."

"I can see that," she chuckled. Carrying two bags herself, she started walking towards the back door.

"Well, yes…." He followed her to the backdoor, taking one of her bags while she unlocked the door. Following her into the house, he maneuvered through the small breezeway and then into the kitchen.

She set her bags and purse on the counter, and then took his. Taking her coat off, she tossed it over a chair and then turned to him. "Daniel?"

Roused out of his uncharacteristic speechlessness he tried again. "I don’t know, I thought maybe we could talk."

She raised her eyebrow at him and started putting the groceries away. "Have you eaten?"

"Ah, no."

She pulled a frozen pizza out of one of the bags. "Pizza okay?"

"Yeah, sure, pizza’s fine." Puzzled by her attitude, yet thankful she hadn’t turned him away, he watched as she turned on the oven and finished putting the rest of the groceries away.

Opening the fridge then, she pulled out a bottle of Kendall-Jackson Chardonnay. "Here, open this." She handed him the bottle, leaving him to fend on his own for the corkscrew and glasses. Fortunately he knew where they were. Taking off his coat, he tossed it over the same chair as hers, then opened the Chardonnay. Pouring them both a glass, he watched as she sliced an onion and added it to the top of the frozen pizza.

"Ah, Jan…?" he asked cautiously. She paused from putting the pizza in the oven. "Where’s Cassie?"

"School-field trip to Denver, don’t you remember?"

He frowned, wondering what she meant. Looking suddenly contrite she said, "I’m sorry, that was unthinking of me." She shut the oven door and straightened up. "Look Daniel, I’m going to go clean up a bit and change clothes." For the first time he noticed she was dressed in her uniform sweater, blouse and skirt. He silently handed her a glass of the Chardonnay. "We can eat and then talk, okay?"

"Okay," he mumbled to her retreating figure. This was obviously going to be harder than he expected.

Thirty minutes later Daniel had finished off two glasses of the Chardonnay and taken the pizza out of the oven. Just as he was wondering whether he should put it back in the oven to keep it warm, she appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. Her face was slightly flushed; she was wearing a pair of old jeans and a baggy sweatshirt that said "USAF Academy" on it.

"Mmm, smells good." She handed him her empty glass as she came into the kitchen.

Taking it from her, he poured her the last of the Chardonnay. "Got another bottle?"

"Yeah, in the fridge in the garage." She began taking plates out of the cupboard. "Why don’t you get it and I’ll serve this up. We can eat in the family room." He followed her instructions, and they were soon ensconced in the family room, eating pizza and drinking more wine.

"Oh Jan, that was good." Daniel swallowed the last of his pizza. "All we had on that planet was this hot cereal stuff." He paused for a moment, "Tasted like watered-down cream of wheat." He shook his head, taking another sip of wine. "Not the best stuff. And the bread—dry and generally stale."

Daniel watched then as Janet got to her feet, and took their now-empty plates into the kitchen. When she returned, she had the bottle of wine. Pouring him another glass, she sat down next to him on the sofa. "Did you ever get anything else?" she asked quietly.

He glanced at her; she had that introspective look on her face. He settled back on the sofa, studying his glass of wine. Without looking at her continued, "Every two or three cycles, we would get a kind of vegetable soup." He chuckled dryly, "Not that there were ever any visible vegetables in it, but Kegan assured me that it always started out with a few."

"Kegan?" her voice was curious.

"This woman I met," he paused, suddenly unsure as how to continue. "She helped me." He took the last swallow of his wine, setting the glass on the end table. He turned towards Janet then, "I was sick when I first got there." He grimaced, "No, I guess I mean after they did the ‘stamping’. Kegan took care of me."

Janet studied him carefully. He had slowly relaxed over dinner and the Chardonnay. And now, it seemed he was finally getting to what he needed to tell her. She was still appalled at her behavior earlier. Her comment about him not remembering Cassie’s field trip was unconscionable. So what if she had been hurt by his earlier attitude? He had just been through a very traumatic experience, and she herself had realized that none of SG-1 were acting like their usual selves. She had let her own hurt feelings get in the way of what was best for him—and for her, she acknowledged.

"She was your friend?" she asked, avoiding the question she really wanted to ask.

He sat forward suddenly, resting his elbows on his knees, staring out into the room. "Yes, she was my friend. When no one else was there for me, she was." He glanced at her; "It was several weeks before I started to remember things. Well, actually, dream things."

"You had dreams?"

He stood then, and began pacing the room. "I started having these dreams, mostly about things I couldn’t make any sense of." He stopped in front of her. "Every now and then I would remember snippets of them—the Stargate, sometimes Jack was there. Sometimes you were there…." He ran his fingers through his hair. "But none of it made any sense. I didn’t know what any of it meant. I wanted to establish a life there, but I couldn’t." He stopped in front of her. "The dreams wouldn’t let me." He laughed wryly. "No, it wasn’t really the dreams that stopped me. It was what wasn’t in the dreams."

She was confused. "Daniel, I don’t understand. You say you dreamt of the SGC and the people there, yet what stopped you was what wasn’t in the dreams?"

"What wasn’t in my dreams is who and where you were!" He started pacing again. "I was all but sleeping with another woman when I started dreaming about you," he blurted out.

Well, she hadn’t been expecting that…exactly. "Daniel," she began, only for him to cut her off.

"If I hadn’t started having those dreams, if Teal’c’s system hadn’t rejected the stamping, if he hadn’t put questions into my mind, if I hadn’t been drawn to Sam and Jack—I would have just settled right down into my happy little life there."

She jumped up then, grabbing one of his arms and forcing him to stop pacing and look at her. He met her eyes for a moment, then quickly looked away. "Daniel, come sit down." She tugged on his arm, and he allowed her to lead him back to the sofa. She gave him a gentle push and he sat down, she sat down next to him, curling into his side and resting her head on his chest. She felt him tense for a moment, then he exhaled and his arms came around her.

"If you didn’t know who I was in your dreams, why did it stop you from sleeping with…" she paused.

"Kegan," he murmured.

"Kegan." She closed her eyes as she waited for his response.

One of his hands began slowly stroking through her hair. "Because even though I didn’t know your identity, I knew that you were important to me."

"Important?" She knew she was forcing the issue, but neither of them had declared their feelings for the other. She knew she was in love with him, but they had drifted into a comfortable relationship with each other without any outright declarations of love or exclusivity.

"Jan…" he paused, "I don’t want what we have to change."

She could sense it; something was holding him back. She pulled herself out of his embrace and looked at him, reaching out she cupped his cheek. "Nothing is going to change what we have, Daniel."

He closed his eyes, his face contorting as if he was in pain. "No, you don’t understand." He opened his eyes again and reaching up he took hold of her hand, holding it tightly. "Whenever I get close to a woman, let myself think that there’s a future for us, something happens."

She was beginning to understand. "Because of what happened with Kegan?"

He looked confused for a moment. "No, this doesn’t have anything to do with Kegan."

It was her turn to be confused. "I don’t understand."

"Even though I didn’t know who you were in my dreams, I knew that I loved you." She opened her mouth to say something but he stopped her. "No, wait. And the only explanation I could think of as to why you weren’t with me was because you were dead."

Now she understood.

He hurried on. "And the way I felt when I thought you were dead…." He shuddered. "I don’t ever want to feel that way again."

She had tears in her eyes as she pulled him into her arms. She held him tightly, feeling his arms close tentatively around her. "Oh Daniel, I love you, darling." He shivered slightly, she stroked his hair. "I know it’s a risk, that there aren’t any guarantees." She tugged lightly on his hair until he pulled back far enough so she could see his face. The look of pure, unadulterated love in his eyes almost robbed her of speech. "But it’s worth it, you’re worth it."

He moved swiftly, swinging her around until she lay beneath him on the sofa. Nestling into her soft curves, he propped himself up on his elbows and cupped her face between his hands. He gazed intently into her luminous brown eyes. She was right, he decided—they were worth the risk.

"Daniel?" Reaching up, she stroked his face. "Does this mean…?" She paused.

He grinned at her. "It means I’ve been an ass."

She tweaked his ear. "Well, you’ve had your moments."

His expression sobered as he continued. "I hadn’t even realized I was afraid." One of his hands began threading through her hair, the other lightly caressing her throat. "If I’ve learned anything in my life, you’d think it would be to live each moment as if it were my last."

He smiled. She closed her eyes at his touch, saying, "My experience is that that’s often easier said than done." Opening them she added, "I’m glad though that you weren’t living by that philosophy while you were with what’s-her-name."

Leaning down he brushed his lips with hers. "You have nothing to worry about on that count, Doctor Fraiser."

Pulling back, he finally answered her earlier question. "And what this really means is that I love you." He felt his heart swell at her adoring look. "And I’m willing to take whatever we have for however long we have."

He hadn’t thought she could look any more beautiful, but at his words it seemed as if she started to glow. She threw her arms around his neck, pulling him down into her embrace. "Oh darling, I love you so," she murmured.

With her words, he thrust one hand into her hair, his other arm going firmly around her, his lips pressing against hers in an almost chaste caress. The tender kiss soon evolved, however, into one of intense passion, as they surrendered to their love.

THE END


End file.
